A reflection

I was in the process of cleaning out my desk. As always I was careful to read what I was throwing out to make sure I did not discard anything of importance. I came across an email I had printed out some years before. An email from a friend. A friend who to whom I consider a really good friend.


Re-reading his email brought up a tangle of emotions. I do not recall the circumstances that precipitated his email. As I recall it had something to do with a blog entry he had made and my response to that blog entry. Again, I do not recall the specifics. But it seemed that I was attempting to use the blogs as a means for communication between he and I. One thing I do remember is that I was indeed using our blogs as a means to communicate. Largely because, at the time, that seemed like the only way I could communicate with him. Talking with my friend, or rather, getting an opportunity to talk to him was an arduous task at times. At the time I do not believe I was fully aware of this fact at the time, at least not on a conscience level.


A particular passage stands out. "You became more like a responsibility than a friend, however condescending that (and this letter in general) may sound. Your're right, you had been making an effort to not seem as needy lately, but it's still so obviously there whether you realize it or not, you radiate it, I feel that it's en grained in you, and although I understand it, I have no more energy left to validate you. Joey, if you could only understand how difficult it is to be your friend, and to have a casual conversation with you without asking myself what you're waiting for me to say."


I have sat here and read that passage over and over trying to recall my state of mind at that point in time. I admit I was indeed alone and isolated and hungry for friendship and contact of any kind really. Now, though, I can say that at the time I did not care what my friend said, anything would have made me happy. But with that said I do see how I was somewhat blind to how I was going about the friendship. I was so starved for someone to talk to that I was indeed needy. I knew that then on some level, clearly not on the level that I can see it today.


Here I am still in thought about the email and my emotions towards it. I can still feel the hurt that the email caused, though the hurt is nothing compared to how it felt on that day. One thing was for certain, no matter the hurt, I still loved him, still do, and always will. This is due to my sense of friendship and loyalty. Maybe it is a flaw in that I set myself up to be easily hurt. Once I have that sense of a bond between us, nothing is likely to break it other than a total betrayal of the bond.


Another thing about a friendship is the openness to say and express what one is truly feeling and or thinking. Even if what is said risk hurting the other. Sometimes for one friend to grow another friend must step forward and speak the truth. To serve a wake up call of sorts. My friend did that on that day.


I have grown much since that point in my life. I have become more secure in myself. I have become more at peace with myself. I am happier with myself. I still continue to grow. I do wonder if my friend see me as a different friend today or if I am still seen as the friend of old, the needy one. Do I still radiate a neediness?


I wonder. Am i seen as being needy, even today? I have reached out to my friend on a number of occasions. Is that being needy? A matter of perspective I suppose. My perspective is that I simply want to be a part of my friend's life. To know that he is doing well and is happy. In that way I shall always be needy.


I hope that my friend sees me today as more self-sufficient and outgoing rather than isolated. I hope that my friend sees me as a better person and friend than I have been in the past. I hope that my friend knows that I appreciate his friendship, his words, his insights, his help and his honesty. I regret that he ever felt unappreciated. I appreciate you my friend. I love you and I am ever grateful that you are in my life.


May you live long and prosper.