A reflection

I was in the process of cleaning out my desk. As always I was careful to read what I was throwing out to make sure I did not discard anything of importance. I came across an email I had printed out some years before. An email from a friend. A friend who to whom I consider a really good friend.


Re-reading his email brought up a tangle of emotions. I do not recall the circumstances that precipitated his email. As I recall it had something to do with a blog entry he had made and my response to that blog entry. Again, I do not recall the specifics. But it seemed that I was attempting to use the blogs as a means for communication between he and I. One thing I do remember is that I was indeed using our blogs as a means to communicate. Largely because, at the time, that seemed like the only way I could communicate with him. Talking with my friend, or rather, getting an opportunity to talk to him was an arduous task at times. At the time I do not believe I was fully aware of this fact at the time, at least not on a conscience level.


A particular passage stands out. "You became more like a responsibility than a friend, however condescending that (and this letter in general) may sound. Your're right, you had been making an effort to not seem as needy lately, but it's still so obviously there whether you realize it or not, you radiate it, I feel that it's en grained in you, and although I understand it, I have no more energy left to validate you. Joey, if you could only understand how difficult it is to be your friend, and to have a casual conversation with you without asking myself what you're waiting for me to say."


I have sat here and read that passage over and over trying to recall my state of mind at that point in time. I admit I was indeed alone and isolated and hungry for friendship and contact of any kind really. Now, though, I can say that at the time I did not care what my friend said, anything would have made me happy. But with that said I do see how I was somewhat blind to how I was going about the friendship. I was so starved for someone to talk to that I was indeed needy. I knew that then on some level, clearly not on the level that I can see it today.


Here I am still in thought about the email and my emotions towards it. I can still feel the hurt that the email caused, though the hurt is nothing compared to how it felt on that day. One thing was for certain, no matter the hurt, I still loved him, still do, and always will. This is due to my sense of friendship and loyalty. Maybe it is a flaw in that I set myself up to be easily hurt. Once I have that sense of a bond between us, nothing is likely to break it other than a total betrayal of the bond.


Another thing about a friendship is the openness to say and express what one is truly feeling and or thinking. Even if what is said risk hurting the other. Sometimes for one friend to grow another friend must step forward and speak the truth. To serve a wake up call of sorts. My friend did that on that day.


I have grown much since that point in my life. I have become more secure in myself. I have become more at peace with myself. I am happier with myself. I still continue to grow. I do wonder if my friend see me as a different friend today or if I am still seen as the friend of old, the needy one. Do I still radiate a neediness?


I wonder. Am i seen as being needy, even today? I have reached out to my friend on a number of occasions. Is that being needy? A matter of perspective I suppose. My perspective is that I simply want to be a part of my friend's life. To know that he is doing well and is happy. In that way I shall always be needy.


I hope that my friend sees me today as more self-sufficient and outgoing rather than isolated. I hope that my friend sees me as a better person and friend than I have been in the past. I hope that my friend knows that I appreciate his friendship, his words, his insights, his help and his honesty. I regret that he ever felt unappreciated. I appreciate you my friend. I love you and I am ever grateful that you are in my life.


May you live long and prosper.

Friday

Wish I could say that the last couple of days has been good. Have had one of those headaches which just nags at you. Think it is just the result of tension. Found myself sleeping in some odd positions and this has caused my shoulders and neck to be tight. Which I think lead to the headache. It is still present right now just not as bad as the last couple of days.


Things have been quiet. Noticed to that my SAD is acting up. Need some more sunshine. For that to happen we need some clear weather for the next few days. Amazing what sunshine can do to improve one's mood. I am done with this cold weather we have been having. Will be nice once things begin to warm up again. If only it could be 72-75 degrees all the time.


I do hope to be feeling better come tomorrow.

Robbie Williams - Shame

Well this seems to be a day for songs with a message. This one actually surprised me. The song was released back on 4-10-2010 and I have not heard it until today. Suppose I need to start paying more attention to the music world at large. Though I must admit my interest in music seems to come in bursts. Bursts which can vary in duration. Anyway here is the song and lyrics.

Well there's three version of this story, mine, and yours and then the truth.
And we can put it down to circumstance our childhood then our youth.
Out of sentimental gain I wanted you to feel my pain,
But it came back return to sender.

I read your mind and tried to call,
My tears could fill the Albert hall.
Is this the sound of sweet surrender?

What a shame we never listened.
I told you through the television.
And all that went away was the price we paid.
People spend a life time this way.
Oh what a shame.

So I got busy throwing everybody underneath the bus.
Oh, and with your poster 30 foot high at the back of Toy-R-Us.
I wrote a letter in my mind but the words were so unkind about a man I can't remember.

I don't recall the reasons why.
I must have meant them at the time.
Is this the sound of sweet surrender?
What a shame we never listened.
I told you through the television.
And all that went away was the price we paid.
People spend a life time this way and that's how they stay.

Words come easy when they're true.
Words come easy when they're true.

So I got busy throwing everybody underneath the bus.
Oh, and with your poster 30 foot high at the back of Toy-R-Us.
Now we can put it down to circumstance our childhood then our youth.

What a shame we never listened
I told you through the television
And all that went away was the price we paid
People spend a lifetime this way
And that’s how they stay
Oh what a shame.
People spend a lifetime this way
Oh what a shame
Such a shame, what a shame

Ricky Martin - The Best Thing About Me is You

Here is the new Ricky Martin single titled The Best Thing About Me is You. When you think Ricky Martin there is a certain sound or style that comes to mind. This song shatters that image. This is not what some would say is his signature sound or style. I say so what. It is a good song, a good sound and a good message and a good video. Well worth watching and listening.

Martin – The Best Thing About Me Is You Lyrics

I’m as happy as I can be

Cause I’m allergic to tragedy

The doctor says something’s wrong with me

The smile on my face has no remedy

So Baby, don’t say no

Come on and just say yes

You know it’s time to keep it simple

Let’s take a chance and hope for the best

Life is short, so make it what you wanna

Make it good, don’t wait until mañana

I think I’m cool cause your name’s on the short sheet, now do

The best thing about me is you

I cryin’ days on our history [history]

I had a change of philosophy [philosophy]

I take each day as it comes to me

And I won’t take myself all that seriously

So Babe, don’t say no

Come on and just say yes

You know it’s time to keep it simple

Let’s take a chance, and hope for the best

Life is short, so make it what you wanna

Make it good, don’t wait until mañana

I think I’m cool cause your name’s on the short [?]

Hon, the best thing about me is you.

It’s you

Oh baby, now I see it’s you

(Now the best thing, the best thing)

Oh yes it is

(It’s true)

Take off your shoes, lay back, and take a load off

Give me your blues, let me love it away

Nothing to lose, so don’t act like such a grownup

Stay out all night in the moonlight with me

(Don’t say no; don’t say no)

Come on and just say yes

You know it’s time to keep it simple

Let’s take a chance and hope for the best

Life is short, so make it what you wanna

Make it good, don’t wait until mañana

I think I’m cool cause your name’s on the short [?]

Now the best thing about me is you

A test

Thought I would try something different with this blog entry. What is different you ask? I am speaking this entry rather than typing it out.  


I honestly do not know how this will turn out. There is a considerable learning curve to using this recognition software. Though presently it appears to be going quite well. However, I have had to make a few corrections along the way. This is rather annoying but a fact of life as the program continues to learn and recognize my voice.


I do believe that I will continue to use the voice recognition software be cause I do find it easier to speak rather than typing out what I wish to say.


Speaking the text I believe we'll make it easier for me to write my story that has been on the back burner for some time now. The recognition software once it becomes more proficient with understanding my voice should then be able to proceed at the same rate as my normal speaking voice.


I think this concludes the test at this time. I will keep you informed as to how well I proceed in learning and using the voice recognition software. 

How Time can fly.

In reflecting on the recent past I have come to realize how easily time passes by. It is almost mind boggling that it has been 4 months since I have met Michael on a social website. It brings a smile to my face thinking about the day he sent me a message. Most of the messages I got were either spam or someone looking for a one time hook-up. It was not uncommon for me to scroll through my messages and just click the delete button and wash my hands of it. But on that day something was different. I seen the message from Michael and I was about to hit the delete button, but something in the back of my head said no, open the message. So I did. I am glad I did.


I have said in the past that social sites are a good place to meet and get to know someone and build a solid foundation for a relationship. Assuming of course that both people are of the same mind and approach. Sadly for years nothing ever happened. It was indeed beginning to take it's toll. But I have also said that all good things come to those who wait. I am glad to have been proven right on that one.


Michael and I have connected on so many levels. So much so that in the beginning it was a bit daunting and freaky. But it paved the way for our getting to know each other. It was refreshing to say the least. We have conversations, real conversations. None of that small talk, hem hawing, beating around the bush type talk. Nothing was off limits. There was genuine respect between us.


Wow, four months! For a time I was really starting to believe I would never have a relationship. This is the longest relationship I have had. I plan to keep it that way for as long as I can.


I have come to notice something else since i have met Michael. It was a few years ago that I was diagnosed with SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. In other words in the winter months I would get down and depressed and it would get worse the longer the dreary days lasted. It almost went by unnoticed. But my SAD this winter is gone. Well I would not say totally gone. But I have noticed that I have been happier and more energetic than normal. I have to say I believe Michael is a big part of the reason why. Life just seems brighter even though the days generally are not. Thanks, Babe!


Hmm, did I get off topic? What was I saying about time flying? It's done it again. As I was going to say originally is that it is interesting how time seems to fly by faster when you are in a happier state of mind. Where as when you are down, depressed, sad or even angry time seems to drag on. Perception is a most interesting thing. Perhaps something to explore in a later blog.

Shooting in Arizona

Here I am sitting in my recliner listening to music and keeping an eye on the breaking news on CNN about the Congresswoman who was shot in Arizona. Do not know why the young man decided it was necessary to walk into a crowd and start shooting. 6 Dead, 12 wounded. One of those killed was a 9 year old girl. A little girl who never crossed another person in her young life. Here a man took her life away, all for a grudge or some such, perhaps, even a difference of politics.

What has happened to the days in which we could have differences and discuss them rationally and come to a mutual understanding? Have those kind of days ever existed? Perhaps not. But it does seem that today we are a much more divided society than some would have us believe. Why? I wish I had an answer. I think society has in it a notion of look at and for differences and then declaring anything that is different from his or her perceived norm is wrong, to be outcast and demonized. We are so quick to catalog everything and everyone into groups. Liberal, moderate, conservative, black, white, Latino, straight, gay, Catholic, muslism etc. It should not be hard to see us for what we all are, human. We all live, breath, love, cry, bleed and die the same.

Out society very much needs to change. To become a society that sees the similarities among us rather than our differences. Being different is not a bad thing. It can indeed be a very good thing. Being different can bring a new perspective on an issue that leads to a solution. Often my views can be connected to the world of Star Trek and the ideals of the United Federation of Planets and especially those of the Vulcans. IDIC: Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. This is what our society should be striving for. Moving and working towards the betterment of humanity as a whole. Clearly our present state of mind which is about the betterment of thy ownself is not getting us very far in a hurry.

At present I am not sure if as a society we are moving forward or backwards. Regardless I have not lost my faith in humanity and believe that the future will be better. I just wonder about what lies ahead. How much we will have to endure before we can reach the ideals of the UFP and the Vulcans.